Wednesday, 16 March 2011

I used to mean something to you, but now i'm tired and alone...

So far this week,
I’ve managed to find myself on a return to the pathway to my own self-destruction. It’s a path I know all too well and I’m still not immune to the twists on the pathway. Personally I feel life is a cruel twisted game to me. It’s not about how good or how bad a person is, according to whoever runs this show it’s about how much torment, pain and anguish you can inflict on a person. Normally I don’t like to freak out like this because it will make people worry, but I do feel like this a lot of the time, but I don’t show it because I’m a fucking good actor, and I don’t want to hurt the people around me, because I have destroyed one too many relationships already. But if you’re reading this and thinking “He’s writing this for attention” as I’m sure many a person in the world will think, then I have to say that you are cruel and judge me on one post. The truth is that no-one can know what goes on in my mind or anyone else’s mind at any given moment, so think before you judge or open your mouth.

One way, I’ve tried to release this depression and aggression that I suppress so often is through my lyrics and often my poetry for my assignments. Unfortunately, the teachers seem to think that when I get too personal with my poems that I write crap. One poem I wrote last year was called Shinji Ikari and I wrote it about a character in my favourite Anime, Neon Genesis Evangelion particularly around the final two episodes found on the End of Evangelion DVD where his mind is put to the test and fractures his sanity. When writing this poem, I inadvertently wrote myself into the poem with my personal feelings at the time, creating an unintentional relationship with the character. This poem, I was proud of because I managed to get my feelings onto paper. However my teachers disagreed because it was far too personal as well as disliking my use of everything in the poem. So it’s a knock back for poetry that is supposed to reflect how one feels, not in the classic romantic/gothic/war every other kind of poetic form way but the way I write my poems. Here, why not have a read, it’s a little depressing but it’s something I’m proud of and the only poem I’ve managed to express myself in.

Shinji Ikari
It is cold in here,
Well I can hide behind my breath,
So I’ll breathe in…
Too much!

And with a gunshot
They all fall down
Behind false smiles
… Yes it feels nice

It’s over;
These angels dehumanise!
It feels nice…

Damn it!
Damn it!

The fate of destruction…
The joy of rebirth…
Then what is your hand for?

You laid me down to sleep
In the wake…

So this semester, I’ve begun to re-try and make my poems personal because it’s not about what the teachers what in the long run. It should be about what I want to write and if my work is not what they want, it doesn’t matter because it means something to me. Therefore I’ve been using my depression mood to write my poems and take have pictures of the lines I’ve written on various items and in various ways. The idea is to be shocking and not happy. I want to so these people who I am and how I feel so they understand what plagues me internally. Thus was born the idea for the tomato ketchup writing to mimic blood. Please before you judge me, know this, if anyone feels this is sick or wrong then get a life. I don’t judge you for your works, art is about reflecting the moment and capturing the image. Look at Van Gogh for goodness sake. He was a bi-polar artist who struggled to make a living and was judged by everyone around him, but his art speaks for itself and shows us all his view of the world. His command of colour, the style he draws in and his ability to find the true beauty of a particular moment is astonishing.

Anyway so, here are a few pictures of what I’ve been up to. Courtesy of my housemate, who just about manages to keep me remotely sane.

Now I would like to assure you all that it is ketchup on my hands and not real blood. I’m also planning to create a few images of a girl or guy putting lipstick on in the shape of a Chelsea smile. It’s all about the truth of poetry these days. And all this was done to the sounds of Funeral For A Friend’s brilliant new album which effectively saved my life on Monday. I have so much gratitude for that band because they have effectively stopped me from doing things that I would regret. Music saves lives. You would be surprised by how much it has helped me and continues to.

So in closing, and cause I’m on the topic of Funeral For A Friend, I’m going to list my favourite songs by the most amazing Welsh band of a generation. So here are ten FFAF brilliant songs for you, and I’ll speak again soon. I apologize for the long post and emotional nature of this particular post but it needed to be written and I thank you if you are reading this because it’s nice to know that someone out there is listening to the ramblings of another student.
• History (found on the album “Hours”)
• The Art of American Football (Found on the “Seven ways to scream your name” E.P.)
• To Die Like Mouchette (found on the album “Memory & Humanity”)
• The Diary (found on the album “Tales don’t tell themselves”)
• You Want Romance? (B-side to “Escape Artist’s…” single)
• Medicated (found on the album “Welcome Home Armageddon”)
• Moments Forever Faded (found on the album “Casually dressed and deep in conversation”)
• Hospitality (found on the album “Hours”)
• Roses for the Dead (found on the album “Hours”)
• Old Hymns (found on the album “Welcome Home Armageddon”)

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