Do you ever get those days where you wake up from dreaming and realise what you want is too far away to reach and that you're living a nightmare of your own creation because of it. Well if you do then you'll understand what I mean. It's like a weird form of depression. At least thats what it feels like, and this feeling has grown out of the small pond that I live in only to become a vast ocean of madness, aggression, lust, despair and ridiculous misunderstandings. To which the conclusion of this can only be screaming "shoot me, for god's sake just shoot me!" at the top of your lungs so that you can feel something that can be real instead of the disillusion that is brought on by this quest.
That is all for today people. Please enjoy the following songs All Time Low- Remembering Sunday & Too Much
Monday 31 May 2010
Wednesday 26 May 2010
And in this new age, we commanded a reprise of our old life
So I'm back people. University year two has reached its timely end, making my favourite problems return to the front of my mind. You know the problems I'm on about, will I pass my coursework and the year, will i ever get a job, will my parents ever stop hassling about what I want to do with my career and finally the big problem of my weight/chunkiness. yes i am aware that that is girly problem to have but i don't care because i'm so insecure about everything and i always feel fat. the usual thing i do is eat less and such like, but at home thats a problem because my parents will fill my plate to bursting/overflowing point and its getting harder to disguise how much i'm eating or rather how little. so yeah over stressed to bursting and relapsing into my old self which is a nightmare.
On another note, the lovely friend who had told me she liked me is now dating another person. don't get me wrong i am not saying she shouldn't. but when she turns around and claims that she only liked you to get an emotional response and receive attention from you really cuts you deep down inside. most of the time I'm not lettin things like this bother me because i'm supposedly bulletproof and can brush it off this exterior shell but if you admit to using and playing with someones feelings then how do you expect them to respond.
"Oh hey, I just pretended I liked you because I wanted attention!"
"Oh ok, thats cool, don't worry you may have toyed with my emotions and mental stability but its ok because i'm totally cool with being used!"
Yeah it doesn't happen like that does it. no it bloody doesn't because people shouldn't toy around with peoples emotions. this is made all the worse because of the fact i had to make one of the hardest decisions in romantic life. Giving up on the one person you ever fell in love with because you value her friendship and understand why she doesn't want to get close to people therefore choosing the best option for both of parties even though it kills you inside.
Yes i am aware that this is turning into a rant. but i need this. if the girl i love reads this and gets slightly offended that i'm posting this then i'm sorry in advance, just to soothe over the arguement that is more than likely going to ensue. so sorry.
and to the one who has toyed with my feelings for the last 7 months, lets get one thing straight. I came running to you when you needed a shoulder to cry on, i made you smile when your world was collapsing, i stayed up late and held your hand just to remind you that people care, and i stopped you when you were about to make the mistake you knew would make things complicated! So forgive me if i did anything wrong to you that made you think i didn't care, maybe thats why you thought it was funny to play games with my emotions. The last thing I have to say to is that if you ever find yourself in the crisis your last boyfriend put you in then don't come running to me because I'm not gonna run back. I reprised the great moments of my own mortality to you and you used them to your advantage. well its done. I care nomore.
So yeah, sorry for the long rant, but I wanted to vent abit instead of bottling and standing on the edge of a crusade against myself again. therefore to conclude in the normal manner the music this week is by a very lovely young lady from canada called Lights. I saw her on tour and she can illuminate the room. so Go look up Lights, all songs are good. Look and Listen people. try myspace.com/lights for a selection of her songs. anyways peace and love people. i'm off to do the night shift. laters
On another note, the lovely friend who had told me she liked me is now dating another person. don't get me wrong i am not saying she shouldn't. but when she turns around and claims that she only liked you to get an emotional response and receive attention from you really cuts you deep down inside. most of the time I'm not lettin things like this bother me because i'm supposedly bulletproof and can brush it off this exterior shell but if you admit to using and playing with someones feelings then how do you expect them to respond.
"Oh hey, I just pretended I liked you because I wanted attention!"
"Oh ok, thats cool, don't worry you may have toyed with my emotions and mental stability but its ok because i'm totally cool with being used!"
Yeah it doesn't happen like that does it. no it bloody doesn't because people shouldn't toy around with peoples emotions. this is made all the worse because of the fact i had to make one of the hardest decisions in romantic life. Giving up on the one person you ever fell in love with because you value her friendship and understand why she doesn't want to get close to people therefore choosing the best option for both of parties even though it kills you inside.
Yes i am aware that this is turning into a rant. but i need this. if the girl i love reads this and gets slightly offended that i'm posting this then i'm sorry in advance, just to soothe over the arguement that is more than likely going to ensue. so sorry.
and to the one who has toyed with my feelings for the last 7 months, lets get one thing straight. I came running to you when you needed a shoulder to cry on, i made you smile when your world was collapsing, i stayed up late and held your hand just to remind you that people care, and i stopped you when you were about to make the mistake you knew would make things complicated! So forgive me if i did anything wrong to you that made you think i didn't care, maybe thats why you thought it was funny to play games with my emotions. The last thing I have to say to is that if you ever find yourself in the crisis your last boyfriend put you in then don't come running to me because I'm not gonna run back. I reprised the great moments of my own mortality to you and you used them to your advantage. well its done. I care nomore.
So yeah, sorry for the long rant, but I wanted to vent abit instead of bottling and standing on the edge of a crusade against myself again. therefore to conclude in the normal manner the music this week is by a very lovely young lady from canada called Lights. I saw her on tour and she can illuminate the room. so Go look up Lights, all songs are good. Look and Listen people. try myspace.com/lights for a selection of her songs. anyways peace and love people. i'm off to do the night shift. laters
Wednesday 12 May 2010
I hope we make it through and the sea will be as blue as our dreams
For all the pilgrims that venture to read my blog, I though for once I'd treat you all to a special little goody. No it's not sweets, cause i've just finished eating them, seriously big bag of haribo on top of a curry probably isn't good but I'll live with it. So yeah anyway, I am going to give you all a look at one of the new short story I have been working on since before easter. Originally an assignment, but I felt I could expand more and create the world much more as well the characters. But yeah so here is the extract from the short story "Echoes"
The rain splattered across the windows of the plane. Its loose components rattled violently as we made our way through the sea of clouds. Faith sat in the seat behind me, curled up and afraid. The smell of burning flesh still lingered in our nostrils. The controls of this plane were strangely familiar. On the dashboard were the words “le rêve lointain”, just like in my dreams. I kept the plane climbing through the clouds, in hope of finding an end to the thick layer. Soon the clouds began to thin and we burst out into a vast ocean of blue skies and bathed in sunlight.
“Wow… it’s beautiful…” Faith whispered.
The tip of the tower was now visible. It was flat, not pointed like I had often imagined at the train station. I steered the plane towards the towers tip and took a long deep breath to prepare myself for the answers. At first I circled the tower’s tip and looked down into the gaping hole atop. Darkness was all I could see. Turbulence shook the plane as we flew over the top of the tower to get a second look into the gaping hole.
Suddenly I felt my body tingle as if an electrical pulse had been shot into me. The plane began to plummet into the blackness of the tower. Faith screamed at me to do something. The pain throughout my body grew as we fell. My eyes became heavy as the pain became unbearable. I grasped the controls once more, desperate to pilot the plane back into the light. The controls were so heavy, like boulders. I fought the controls, frantically trying to pull them closer to allow me to pilot the plane. My arms were stretched to their limits. Through my fading eyesight, I watched as the skin on fore arm began to tear and blood splashed across the glass. Wires coloured blue and red, like veins and arteries became severed as metal and bone broke leaving my forearms hanging from the planes controls. The plane shook more violently and tore itself from its own limbs. As my eyes finally closed I saw the small ray of light from the top of the tower disappear as we plummeted into the never ending darkness.
So yeah, there you have an extract on from the short story. hope you like it, feel free to comment and share your thoughts on the extract. Anyways, important stuff next like the usual. So the song for this post is by Breaking Benjamin. Firstly I'm fed up of people raving about the phobia album, seriously, there were two albums full of amazing songs before that album. anyway the song is Firefly. A good tune as I'm sure the row of empty beer cans on my desk will agree as I spent Sunday night drinking to a mixed cd of Breaking Benjamin songs (mostly playing firefly because its such awesomeness). Anyways I believe that this sums up the entire post for the day except I had to post this to close with, i know everyone will have seen it but it makes me smile and cheers me up so much.
The rain splattered across the windows of the plane. Its loose components rattled violently as we made our way through the sea of clouds. Faith sat in the seat behind me, curled up and afraid. The smell of burning flesh still lingered in our nostrils. The controls of this plane were strangely familiar. On the dashboard were the words “le rêve lointain”, just like in my dreams. I kept the plane climbing through the clouds, in hope of finding an end to the thick layer. Soon the clouds began to thin and we burst out into a vast ocean of blue skies and bathed in sunlight.
“Wow… it’s beautiful…” Faith whispered.
The tip of the tower was now visible. It was flat, not pointed like I had often imagined at the train station. I steered the plane towards the towers tip and took a long deep breath to prepare myself for the answers. At first I circled the tower’s tip and looked down into the gaping hole atop. Darkness was all I could see. Turbulence shook the plane as we flew over the top of the tower to get a second look into the gaping hole.
Suddenly I felt my body tingle as if an electrical pulse had been shot into me. The plane began to plummet into the blackness of the tower. Faith screamed at me to do something. The pain throughout my body grew as we fell. My eyes became heavy as the pain became unbearable. I grasped the controls once more, desperate to pilot the plane back into the light. The controls were so heavy, like boulders. I fought the controls, frantically trying to pull them closer to allow me to pilot the plane. My arms were stretched to their limits. Through my fading eyesight, I watched as the skin on fore arm began to tear and blood splashed across the glass. Wires coloured blue and red, like veins and arteries became severed as metal and bone broke leaving my forearms hanging from the planes controls. The plane shook more violently and tore itself from its own limbs. As my eyes finally closed I saw the small ray of light from the top of the tower disappear as we plummeted into the never ending darkness.
So yeah, there you have an extract on from the short story. hope you like it, feel free to comment and share your thoughts on the extract. Anyways, important stuff next like the usual. So the song for this post is by Breaking Benjamin. Firstly I'm fed up of people raving about the phobia album, seriously, there were two albums full of amazing songs before that album. anyway the song is Firefly. A good tune as I'm sure the row of empty beer cans on my desk will agree as I spent Sunday night drinking to a mixed cd of Breaking Benjamin songs (mostly playing firefly because its such awesomeness). Anyways I believe that this sums up the entire post for the day except I had to post this to close with, i know everyone will have seen it but it makes me smile and cheers me up so much.
Sunday 9 May 2010
In the mist of the concert partying with Ms Vickers
As you can probably guess by my title and previous post, I've been to see Diana Vickers live in concert, last night to be exact. Firstly I want to say that if you hate her, stop readying now because i don't want to hear it. joking you can read on.
Ok so yeah, i can safely say that Ms Vickers gave us all an amazing show. unlike most concerts and gigs where the singers and bands can ignore the crowd just to play their songs and earn there money, Diana Vickers didn't. she communicated with the crowd, made a good show and most of all kept us entertained (and not waiting around for hours like little boots did despite the quality of her show). but yes, for the opening night of the tour there was the same amount of energy as most people put into the last night of the tour. admittedly the support act (a solo artist who's name escapes me) was good but lacked the true feel for performance, even having to resort to a cover that junior/senior song from years ago. but it made entertaining viewing. To be honest with you, last nights performance has made me fall in love with Diana more because of her energy and style.
Anyways, moving onwards in a generally swift yet productive manner. I'm going to leave this post like this and continue with the pre-production for my novel kind of thing, just because i want it planned on paper before i start to keep the concentration. so the song for this post is going to be "Superhero" by The Pretty Reckless (yes the band with Taylor Momsen) get listening and I'll speak soon I guess.
Ok so yeah, i can safely say that Ms Vickers gave us all an amazing show. unlike most concerts and gigs where the singers and bands can ignore the crowd just to play their songs and earn there money, Diana Vickers didn't. she communicated with the crowd, made a good show and most of all kept us entertained (and not waiting around for hours like little boots did despite the quality of her show). but yes, for the opening night of the tour there was the same amount of energy as most people put into the last night of the tour. admittedly the support act (a solo artist who's name escapes me) was good but lacked the true feel for performance, even having to resort to a cover that junior/senior song from years ago. but it made entertaining viewing. To be honest with you, last nights performance has made me fall in love with Diana more because of her energy and style.
Anyways, moving onwards in a generally swift yet productive manner. I'm going to leave this post like this and continue with the pre-production for my novel kind of thing, just because i want it planned on paper before i start to keep the concentration. so the song for this post is going to be "Superhero" by The Pretty Reckless (yes the band with Taylor Momsen) get listening and I'll speak soon I guess.
Thursday 6 May 2010
Once More With Feeling
This is it, one more day till I officially finish uni for the summer, although I'm gonna be hanging up in the town for a little long cause I've paid for my room so i may as well use it. Anyway, so I've got two exams tomorrow, not looking forward to them and I feel completely unprepared because I always do feel like that. But that's not what is exciting, cause exams are not exciting at all. The exciting news is that on Saturday night, I'm off to see Diana Vickers on the opening night of the tour. this is gonna be good cause I've never being to an opening night before, i prefer to go to the last night of the tour because most bands and singers give it there all on these nights. so it's gonna be interesting but still a good show cause i love her so much. plus i want to discover if there is any truth to the phrase "Diana Vickers wears no knickers"... i joke not really but yeah she is very very cute.
Moving on to something more universally entertaining. have you ever seen an author so crazy that he strangles his fans? i have! well not literally strangle but pretends to for photo opportunities. Yeah thats pretty crazy right. well in case your wondering, stay away from Darren Shan because he's crazy like that. not that i'm a fan of his, but i have friends who are. leading us on a crazy adventure which led to sam falling asleep, the girls queueing for nearly an hour and a half, and me reading the entire Dark Avengers collection to the present issue. so yeah all that led me to wonder what the hell was taking so long and calling Darren Shan a blithering idiot under my breath because he was acting like a loony. that being said i have the maturity of a whoopie cushion so i don't really hold any higher ground unless you count not strangling my fans and admirers? well I do so therefore I am morally superior to Darren Shan. for the moment.
Ok so that's all I've got for the moment, next time I post something I should have seen Ms Vickers' perform and I'll let y'all know about the show. which only leaves one final thing. the song of the post. well today we have some cultural difference, because todays song is from the Japanese singer Utada Hikaru- "Beautiful World" try both the original version and the acoustic if you can.
So mucho love etc and I'll post to y'all soon.
Moving on to something more universally entertaining. have you ever seen an author so crazy that he strangles his fans? i have! well not literally strangle but pretends to for photo opportunities. Yeah thats pretty crazy right. well in case your wondering, stay away from Darren Shan because he's crazy like that. not that i'm a fan of his, but i have friends who are. leading us on a crazy adventure which led to sam falling asleep, the girls queueing for nearly an hour and a half, and me reading the entire Dark Avengers collection to the present issue. so yeah all that led me to wonder what the hell was taking so long and calling Darren Shan a blithering idiot under my breath because he was acting like a loony. that being said i have the maturity of a whoopie cushion so i don't really hold any higher ground unless you count not strangling my fans and admirers? well I do so therefore I am morally superior to Darren Shan. for the moment.
Ok so that's all I've got for the moment, next time I post something I should have seen Ms Vickers' perform and I'll let y'all know about the show. which only leaves one final thing. the song of the post. well today we have some cultural difference, because todays song is from the Japanese singer Utada Hikaru- "Beautiful World" try both the original version and the acoustic if you can.
So mucho love etc and I'll post to y'all soon.
Sunday 2 May 2010
I'll be wallowing in sorrow, wearing a frown like Peirrot the Clown
So yeah, at present I'm rediscovering my love for Placebo whilst i'm working on my new short story. but i'm here to have a long rant at things. just because of recent events that have greatly annoyed me.
Apparently it appears that people no longer have the time for Cyberpunk because they have lost there imaginations and can't seem to use there brains to picture things. I'm not saying that its all there fault, maybe i'm not clear with some of the terms i mention. but i think that if you mention people surfing the internet with holo-glasses and causing mayhem and have called them jackers its pretty clear. i mean they're like hackers but access through the internet by jacking into it? that clear? evidently not. plus eluding to a drug called Crunk by mentioning someone od'd on it should give a pretty big damn hint. its not like i'm trying to be smart, i did make some mistakes and stuff with other explainations but it think you can use your imagination to create some mental image!
Aside from that, getting accused of plagerism for something that your friend suggests is stupid. ok so i'll just explain this, admiral arrogent in the class believes that I plagerised a film called Cowboy Bebop, by using golden butterflies which had the same role in the film as they did in my short story. ok i can except that but if i'm accused of doing it with something i haven't seen (I would like to point out i watched the anime but not the film which included these golden butterflies) is pretty humiliating. the reason i included butterflies similar to those in the movie was via suggestion from my best friend (who had seen it and apologized for her mistake). thus is my problem, why would you assume that someone is plagerising when they haven't seen the film, further more make a scene in the class making you feel like shit and wanting to basically slit your wrists because of the humiliation and public scuritiny? normal people don't. but the creative writing aristocracy in the class believe that they are superior and should use any and all chances to make others feel like thrash and worthless as writers. don't get me wrong, i can handle criticism, like toning down on the bloody images, explaining some things better, develop character dialogue more, all useful and things i have done. however if you are going to make a scene and leave someone mentally scared to write anything again because you tear into them so much then that's not helpful at all. in fact its the opposite.
Ok so yeah anyway, that is the rant over for now. taking these things into mind, i changed the story from cyberpunk style to steampunk style whilst keeping some of the key elements of the story. so yeah i'll post an extract from both versions of the story later. just to show what i've experimented with. maybe there will be hope for the stories later. but i'm not holding my breath.
On a happy note, i feel that for the first time something has gone right for me in the field of romance. i met a lovely girl who is from my own city and we really hit it off. for now we are friends but i would love to move forward into a relationship with her. i hope so. but for now i'll hold my breath and enjoy the dream that will hopefully become reality. (good story idea... i like it... and its mine muhaha)
right so i'm gonna bring this to a close. there are two songs for this post. first is Placebo (as i'm listening to them so much) "follow the cops back home" and second is wideawake- "maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow" ok so look and listen and enjoy yourselves.
I'm off to finish watching the crazy yet oddly entertaining 1960's Batman film with Adam West.
Apparently it appears that people no longer have the time for Cyberpunk because they have lost there imaginations and can't seem to use there brains to picture things. I'm not saying that its all there fault, maybe i'm not clear with some of the terms i mention. but i think that if you mention people surfing the internet with holo-glasses and causing mayhem and have called them jackers its pretty clear. i mean they're like hackers but access through the internet by jacking into it? that clear? evidently not. plus eluding to a drug called Crunk by mentioning someone od'd on it should give a pretty big damn hint. its not like i'm trying to be smart, i did make some mistakes and stuff with other explainations but it think you can use your imagination to create some mental image!
Aside from that, getting accused of plagerism for something that your friend suggests is stupid. ok so i'll just explain this, admiral arrogent in the class believes that I plagerised a film called Cowboy Bebop, by using golden butterflies which had the same role in the film as they did in my short story. ok i can except that but if i'm accused of doing it with something i haven't seen (I would like to point out i watched the anime but not the film which included these golden butterflies) is pretty humiliating. the reason i included butterflies similar to those in the movie was via suggestion from my best friend (who had seen it and apologized for her mistake). thus is my problem, why would you assume that someone is plagerising when they haven't seen the film, further more make a scene in the class making you feel like shit and wanting to basically slit your wrists because of the humiliation and public scuritiny? normal people don't. but the creative writing aristocracy in the class believe that they are superior and should use any and all chances to make others feel like thrash and worthless as writers. don't get me wrong, i can handle criticism, like toning down on the bloody images, explaining some things better, develop character dialogue more, all useful and things i have done. however if you are going to make a scene and leave someone mentally scared to write anything again because you tear into them so much then that's not helpful at all. in fact its the opposite.
Ok so yeah anyway, that is the rant over for now. taking these things into mind, i changed the story from cyberpunk style to steampunk style whilst keeping some of the key elements of the story. so yeah i'll post an extract from both versions of the story later. just to show what i've experimented with. maybe there will be hope for the stories later. but i'm not holding my breath.
On a happy note, i feel that for the first time something has gone right for me in the field of romance. i met a lovely girl who is from my own city and we really hit it off. for now we are friends but i would love to move forward into a relationship with her. i hope so. but for now i'll hold my breath and enjoy the dream that will hopefully become reality. (good story idea... i like it... and its mine muhaha)
right so i'm gonna bring this to a close. there are two songs for this post. first is Placebo (as i'm listening to them so much) "follow the cops back home" and second is wideawake- "maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow" ok so look and listen and enjoy yourselves.
I'm off to finish watching the crazy yet oddly entertaining 1960's Batman film with Adam West.
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