So I'm back people. University year two has reached its timely end, making my favourite problems return to the front of my mind. You know the problems I'm on about, will I pass my coursework and the year, will i ever get a job, will my parents ever stop hassling about what I want to do with my career and finally the big problem of my weight/chunkiness. yes i am aware that that is girly problem to have but i don't care because i'm so insecure about everything and i always feel fat. the usual thing i do is eat less and such like, but at home thats a problem because my parents will fill my plate to bursting/overflowing point and its getting harder to disguise how much i'm eating or rather how little. so yeah over stressed to bursting and relapsing into my old self which is a nightmare.
On another note, the lovely friend who had told me she liked me is now dating another person. don't get me wrong i am not saying she shouldn't. but when she turns around and claims that she only liked you to get an emotional response and receive attention from you really cuts you deep down inside. most of the time I'm not lettin things like this bother me because i'm supposedly bulletproof and can brush it off this exterior shell but if you admit to using and playing with someones feelings then how do you expect them to respond.
"Oh hey, I just pretended I liked you because I wanted attention!"
"Oh ok, thats cool, don't worry you may have toyed with my emotions and mental stability but its ok because i'm totally cool with being used!"
Yeah it doesn't happen like that does it. no it bloody doesn't because people shouldn't toy around with peoples emotions. this is made all the worse because of the fact i had to make one of the hardest decisions in romantic life. Giving up on the one person you ever fell in love with because you value her friendship and understand why she doesn't want to get close to people therefore choosing the best option for both of parties even though it kills you inside.
Yes i am aware that this is turning into a rant. but i need this. if the girl i love reads this and gets slightly offended that i'm posting this then i'm sorry in advance, just to soothe over the arguement that is more than likely going to ensue. so sorry.
and to the one who has toyed with my feelings for the last 7 months, lets get one thing straight. I came running to you when you needed a shoulder to cry on, i made you smile when your world was collapsing, i stayed up late and held your hand just to remind you that people care, and i stopped you when you were about to make the mistake you knew would make things complicated! So forgive me if i did anything wrong to you that made you think i didn't care, maybe thats why you thought it was funny to play games with my emotions. The last thing I have to say to is that if you ever find yourself in the crisis your last boyfriend put you in then don't come running to me because I'm not gonna run back. I reprised the great moments of my own mortality to you and you used them to your advantage. well its done. I care nomore.
So yeah, sorry for the long rant, but I wanted to vent abit instead of bottling and standing on the edge of a crusade against myself again. therefore to conclude in the normal manner the music this week is by a very lovely young lady from canada called Lights. I saw her on tour and she can illuminate the room. so Go look up Lights, all songs are good. Look and Listen people. try myspace.com/lights for a selection of her songs. anyways peace and love people. i'm off to do the night shift. laters
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